Stardust Soldier

By ShinraWepn

Zechs Merquise stood on the rooftop of the newly refurbished Sanc Palace. Below him, he could see the hundreds of colored lights from the gaily colored paper pagodas and Chinese lanterns that his charming little sister had seen fit to strewn about the garden. It was a celebration. Her birthday was today and many delegates from peaceful nations of the world and space had gathered to wish her well. The Gundam pilots were there too. She had seen fit to invite each and every last one of them, including the bastard boy who had ruined his life.

Zechs took a hard swig off of the bottle he held in his hand. He knew he shouldn't get drunk. It would spoil Relena's evening if she knew her brother was upstairs getting smashed while some of the world's most dignified leaders were below, asking about his whereabouts. He should think of Relena and how embarrassed she would be to have to explain to her guests that her older brother hadn't enough guts to face the man responsible for his lover's death.

Damn you all to hell, he thought anyway. Haven't I spent enough time worrying about everyone else? I fought for peace and what happened? I'm an outcast now. No one wants to meet my eyes for the sins I have made in the past. No one wants to face the man who almost destroyed the planet and would have if...if... But that wasn't true. Relena had forgiven him, as had most of the other people down below. Even Heero Yuy had come to some sort of peace with the tall blond count. So why can't I forgive myself? Why can't I forgive Chang Wufei?

"I thought I might find you up here."

Zechs didn't turn at the sound of the alto voice. Instead, he knocked back another mouthful and wiped his lips on the back of his arm. "What do you want?" His voice was harsher then he had intended it to be, but right then, he was beyond caring. Lady Une smoothed her party dress and came to stand by his side, overlooking the garden and it's party as well.

"I came up here to speak to you," she said, leaning her arms on the low stone wall and placing her cheek in her hand. Zechs was in no mood to enjoy company, however. He faced the former secretary of his lover and glowered.

"Then please be brief. I came up here to be alone and you are trespassing on my solitude."

She nodded, her hair softly blowing in the breeze that smelled of roses and jasmine. "I suppose I should hate you. It was not easy to be in love with a man who was in love with someone else. I often wondered how he could prefer you over me. But then, when I think about how well I knew Mister Treize, it's not so hard to understand the attraction." She stood up and withdrew an envelope from the folds of her dress and held it out to him. Zechs looked at the woman curiously and then at the envelope she held. "I found this in his desk after he...After the war. It was addressed to you."

Zechs reached out and removed the letter from her hand. He looked at the front. It read, "To my eternal friend" and was sealed with midnight blue wax on the back. Seeing the firm pen strokes on the pristine white paper brought a lump to his throat. "Why didn't you come forward sooner?" he asked, huskily. "Why give this to me now?"

"I had to make peace with myself before I was able to think about doing so with you. I loved him as I know I will never love another. Perhaps I selfishly wanted to deny the truth that as close as we had been, his heart belonged only to one person and that was you. I kept this letter, debating what I should do with it. I was going to burn it at first." When she saw how Zechs stiffened with outrage, she hurried on. "I chose not to because it's not what Mister Trieze would have wished. He purposefully left it for me to find and I knew that I must serve this last request of his and make sure the letter was delivered safely into your possession."

"I see."

"My duty is now finished and I can place his spirit to rest in my heart. I have made my peace with you now." Giving the count a slight curtsy, she began to leave. She was at the stairwell that led back inside the house before Zechs spoke.

"Thank you, Lady Une," he said softly. The smile she gave him was sad but serene.

"It was my pleasure. I loved him too."

Milliardo waited till she was completely away before he raised the envelope to his nose, inhaling the scent that was Trieze. It still lingered on the paper like a long forgotten memory. It was spicy from his cologne and sweet from his signature scent of roses. Taking another drink from the bottle he held to fortify himself for the pain that was sure to come from reading what his dead lover was about to tell him, he set the spirits aside and broke the wax seal. Below him, the orchestra began to play a waltz. Couples moved to the dance floor, swaying to the music. But he saw none of this. The song had words and though they weren't being sung, they whispered to him in his soul as he read the words on the stationary:

Thoughts not conveyed into words

My dearest Milliardo,
By the time you read this, I have no doubt that I will no longer walk among the living. If all goes well, I shall have expired from this mortal life like a star, lost in a blaze of light, the loser of a magnificent battle. There are so many things I wish to say to you, I scarcely know how to begin. For the sake of time, since my flight into outer space commences in less then an hour, I shall simply write what comes to me and hope that you can make sense of my ramblings at a later time.

Only a star vanishing --- is a tale like that?

This is the end of the fairy tale romance. My handsome prince of the stars has returned to his home and I, his faithfully devoted servant, am left desolate. Our love was like a sun, hot and fiery but in the end, it wasn't enough to chase away the demons in your soul. You left me as Zechs Merquise and became Milliardo Peacecraft, so distant and aloof. I hardly knew you anymore. That was your intention, of course, but it hurt all the same. There is nothing more bittersweet then the end of a song and ours was a symphony all it's own.

The path had been confident of itself

You and I followed our hearts and let nothing stand in our way. We were bold and daring, two knights in our Gundams protecting the weak and destroying the oppressors who sought to undermine the fragile peace we were trying to create. We were strong. There was no flaw in the plans we made, no indication that something would go so very wrong. I did not foresee you turning on me. In the end, I think we both saw what we did as being the correct path to follow. We had confidence that somehow we would make it out of this alive, together. Alas, that is a fantasy that was destined to die in the cradle.

Only one person can walk this

I know our mutual dream called for both of us to be there when the final curtain descended and war was obliterated forever. This dream of ours was based off your goal of ultimate pacifism. *Your* dream, Milliardo, a world of your creation. I wonder now, as I sit here in these last few moments of life, how two people could walk the same road without eventually coming to a fork. I know you hurt, my love. I know you feel so betrayed that I can't see things the way you do. But a dream was meant to be seen by one person and followed to it's conclusion alone. No one can live a dream for someone else, not even me, though I wish you had left me the option to try.

Almost calling out from a dream

I dreamt of you last night, as always. It was a lovely illusion. You were in my arms as we lay among blue velvet blankets under the sky. We were naked and aroused, the moon being the only witness to our passion. I touched every detail of your body with my lips, traced every line with my tongue. My fingers slipped through your hair, so soft and pale that it rivaled the light of the moon itself. I could feel your lips on my throat, then capturing my mouth in a languorous kiss that stole my breath and made me moan with it's intensity. I slipped along your body, fine as sculpted marble and proceeded to pleasure you till you cried my name over and over...By God, I can still hear the sound ringing in my ears even now, if I try hard enough to remember. It was bliss to thrust into you and feel you arch as my fingers brushed your nipples. I know not how long the dream lasted but I came in a rush of mind-blowing ecstasy that almost made me scream into the night. I shiver now to imagine what the repercussions would have been to have to explain to my staff why I was making odd noises in the dead of night when they came running to find out what the trouble was.

Never to be a lenient one

But alas, a dream is all it must be. You have decided upon your course of action and that leaves me with one other choice: death. I love you, my dearest friend. I could no more be the one to cause your destruction then I could allow you to destroy this planet that gave life to us both. You will not back down from this, I know you won't. That's why you're a soldier. Advancing is all you know how to do. Retreat is not an option in your eyes.

Even losing life
Not a matter to mourn on

Even knowing that you will be my destroyer, that won't be cause enough to change your mind. You will do whatever it takes to rid yourself of what you call the enemy, in this case, the Earth. You understand that loss of life is part of war, just as I do. I know that you know this, and so saying, you will not hesitate to shatter me into a million pieces of space debris. And while my death may pain you for a while, the knowledge that you made the correct military decision will outlast the insignificant twinge and survive far longer in your mind then anything else. It is a pity, however, that you value military decisions above those of your own heart.

The heart is trembling in the wind's song

Zechs paused in reading the letter, lightly chewing his lower lip between his teeth. Absently, he reached for the bottle that sat beside him and he finished the contents in a few hard gulps. The action caused him to have very un-gentlemanly hiccups, but it took the edge off the pain he was feeling from the words he had read. "Treize, how could you think your death wouldn't matter to me?" he whispered in agony, slumping down onto a hard stone bench. "You meant more to me then anything. I never...I never wanted this." Lifting the letter, he started again.

Now, I close my eyes
I try to forget time

I'm looking at my pocket watch right now. The time seems to fly so quickly. Is this really my destiny? I wish that there were some other way. Such thoughts are useless at this stage of the game, I know. But...I'm afraid. Yes, as hard as it is to admit, I am. Not of dying, for I have been ready for my death as long as I can remember. Being a soldier myself, that possibility was always present and one can grow accustomed to anything with the right motivation. No, I'm afraid of seeing you again. Have you really changed so much from the man I used to know? Will you look at me with scorn for my ideals? Will you take the hurt in my eyes as a sign of weakness? Will you show pity to this poor wretch who cannot help but love you still, despite all this, and end his life so he doesn't have to endure living without you?

A flame is dyeing the dark sky
Burning up everything
Returning to peace

The sky is dark with mobile suits. I can see them from where I am sitting in the control tower of the launching hanger. Have you seen the way the Earth looks from outer space? So many soldiers are grouping. It looks like a giant black sore on the face of the planet. You probably take my words as yet further justification to smash it before it can give rise to any further conflicts. But you are wrong. You pushed us into this. We don't want to fight any longer but we will do so to protect that which must be spared harm at all costs. Are the people of space really so different from the rest of us, Zechs? Isn't what you're doing the same thing we are doing here, right now? You defend space, I defend Earth. The point is, we shouldn't have to be on the defensive at all. Can't you understand that all you are doing is delaying the peace that would have set in had you not started this crusade of yours? If you continue with this war, you will destroy everything good that you and I have worked so hard for. The people of space are humans too and they make mistakes. They have fears and desires, not all of them good. If you pursue this course and destroy Earth, you might as well eliminate the colonies as well. One day, not too far off I imagine, you will realize that these people you have been fighting for are exactly the same as you and I. What will you do then, when war again starts, only this time in outer space? And it will happen, mark my words. Will you destroy humanity itself? If you do, you will do it alone, my friend, and you will be exactly the type of fiend we despised. You will have the peace you so desired, but at what cost to yourself?

Even a strange flower's name
Is veiled in the red flames of war

The song is drawing to a close, now. I want you to understand that I have never regretted meeting you, nor do I regret the path I am now embarking upon. I offer you this small piece of advice to think about in the time following the war: some actions are actually blessings in disguise. Double motives are often hidden in kindness, love hidden in scorn. Don't disregard someone because you think you know all there is to know about them. We are often mistaken.

One justice is always
Within a victor's hand

You will survive this. I know it in my heart. You will see the dream of peace come true, even though I will not. Your justice is swift and merciless. The Earth will never bow to your will. It is good that you do not make people suffer needlessly.

Seeming to seek the future

I'm in the way of your dream and so I will strategically place myself in the path of greatest fire in hopes that by eliminating myself, I shall allow you to be free to follow your mission to it's conclusion. You will no longer have to hold back, worried about my safety. Epyon showed me that I have no future. When Heero Yuy came to the Romefeller headquarters where I was in seclusion under house arrest, I thought he was the one fated to end my life. But he was not. Therefor, my only conclusions is that I am supposed to die for a greater purpose. What better way to go then in the midst of the war to end all wars?

It's never been a pretty thing

There is the chime. I have to go now. My destiny is out there, among the stars which you treasure so highly. I will leave this letter here in the desk. I know Lady Une will find it, once I am gone. I trust her to deliver it to you. She loves me much deeper then I feel for her. I do love her, in a way, but it is not the same type of love I feel for you. I admire her grace, her spirit, her military precision. She has been loyal to me since the beginning, and her devotion never wavered. Love, in my experience, only causes pain in the end. It can be beautiful like a rose in bloom but the thorns occasionally prick the hand that holds it. You may think me melodramatic, but our romance merits it, I think. It is tragic enough. Just know that I have always loved you and will continue to do so until death separates us. I wish I could speak the marriage vows to you, to place my ring upon your hand and to wear yours in return. But that is a fantasy. Maybe in another life we'll find each other again and this time, things will work out. Good-bye, dear Milliardo. May you one day find your peace as I am now going to find mine.

Forever yours,
Treize

Even making someone cry

Zechs crumpled the paper in his fist as he clenched his hands and placed them to his face, shaking. "My God....what have I done?" Hot tears of agony welled up in his eyes. It felt as if he'd been stabbed in the chest with a knife a million times over. His soul bled from the wounds. "I had the chance to prevent this...Oh Treize, can you ever forgive me?"

Not a matter to be puzzled of

What had Trieze meant by his cryptic words to not disregard a person because you think you know them? Why did he have the nagging feeling he should understand what was meant by those words? Wiping at the tears that dripped down his cheeks onto the paper, he reread the whole letter, trying to memorize every single word. The orchestra was still playing below him and the sounds of happiness seemed unbearably harsh in his depression and alchohol-fogged brain. Maybe he wasn't meant to understand what Treize was trying to tell him. Maybe the answer would come to him in time. Dwelling on the problem wouldn't do him any good in his current state. Already he had a headache and the hiccups just weren't leaving him alone.

The heart is being comforted by the wind's song
The smile someday
Remembering

It was a small consolation, but it helped to know that at least his dead lover had felt the same way about things as he had during the war. It helped to think that even in his last moments of life, Treize had been thinking of him. It made him smile a bit, though it was a sad smile, one that does nothing to relieve your inner torment. Hadn't the same look been on Trieze's face during his final transmission as he spoke of seeing his friend on the other side?

Zechs carefully closed the letter and replaced it in the envelope which he then slipped into his pocket. God how he hurt. The wind had been picking up for some time now. It was cold and smelled of rain but the sky was clear, bright and shining with diamond specs scattered over blue-black silk. It caught the edge of the paper in his pocket and blew it out over the ledge. With a cry, he made a grab for it and was able to snatch the envelope. However, he wasn't fast enough to catch the paper inside as it slipped out and fluttered to the garden below.

Running as if his entire life depended on it, Zechs sprinted down the stairs and into the palace itself. He ignored the servants who squeaked as he streaked by, a blur of tailored clothing and platinum blond hair. He was out on the terrace in an instant, shoving past a good many delegates from respected countries all over the world without so much as a second glance or an apology for his rudeness.

The stardust is shining in the dark sky

Angry tears that he could have been so careless filled his eyes as he dropped to his knees by the bushes nearest to the point where he had been standing, heedless of the stares and murmuring going on behind him. Let the idiots wonder what had become of his senses. Someone grabbed his elbow and was attempting to haul him to his feet. He snarled and yanked his arm free, glaring up at the offender. Relena's face was a combination of worry and outrage. "Milliardo, you simply can't come bursting in here at break neck speed, knocking people over with no regard to their feelings. What ever is the matter with you, anyway? Why are you scrambling around in the bushes?"

"I dropped something important to me," he growled by way of an explanation. He was desperate and his growing panic had his temper dangerously close to the breaking point. Relena tried again to pull him up, flashing a glance at her guests who smiled politely and did their best not to gawk.

"I'm sure it's not going anywhere. You can look for it in the morning when there's more light-"

"No!" he shouted into her face. "I need to find it now. What don't you understand about that? And let go of my arm." This time, Relena would not be swayed, however. Her face darkened and she lowered her voice.

"You've been drinking," she said in disgusted tones as she caught a whiff of his breath. "You're intoxicated."

"I'm more then intoxicated, my sweet little sister. I'm flat out drunk. And if you don't remove your hand from me this instant, I'm going to turn you over my knee and spank you till my hand goes numb."

Her eyes got big. "You wouldn't dare...!" But to her horror, her older brother laughed.

"I have reason to be a bitch right now, Relena. I'm drunk. What's your excuse?" He watched as her face turned red and then relaxed back into the cold mask of an offended dignitary. Heero and the other Gundams moved closer to Relena, their expressions disapproving. Heero's was especially dark. Zechs didn't have to hear him say it. He knew the "I'm going to kill you" look the pilot had often used to intimidate people. Noin had also joined them and her expression was concerned. Lady Une was nowhere to be seen.

"Very well, Milliardo. You may find what you're looking for and then I ask that you kindly apologize to the people you've offended. Afterwards, I'm afraid I must ask you to leave my party." She didn't wait for his reply. Instead, she turned on her heel and announced that dinner was served and if everyone would kindly follow her, she would lead them to the dining hall. The Gundam pilots followed after her, giving him warning glances the whole way. Except Wufei who gave him an indifferent look that made Zechs see red.

Going back to his search, he forced his way between the thorny brambles. They tore at his clothes, scratched his face and hands, jabbed at his eyes. His skin burned from a dozen tiny cuts. A hand touched his shoulder and startled him. Looking up, he saw white pants and black shoes. Backing up, he brushed his bangs out of his face to regard Wufei angrily. "What do you want?"

"For your information, I think I found what you were looking for." The Chinese pilot threw the paper to the ground, watching with an amused detachment as Zechs grabbed it up and held it to his chest protectively. "Oh, I think this belongs to you as well." Zechs' eyes widened a fraction of an inch as he looked at what the young man held delicately between his thumb and forefinger. It was a rose, decorated with deep blue ribbons.

"Where did you get that?"

Wufei shrugged and brushed the petals softly across the kneeling man's cheek. Zechs shivered with something that wasn't quite revulsion but he held still until the boy spoke again. His tone was flat, as if he were discussing the weather or an interesting bug. "I found it resting on your grave, the one they still haven't taken down even after all this time. I thought it only fitting that you see it before it wilts." Letting the petals kiss their way over the blond man's skin, Wufei finally held the flower out to him. Milliardo was about to refuse but suddenly Trieze's words came back to him. Do not disregard a person just because you think you know them...

Gently gripping the stem, he accepted the gift. "Thank you," he said softly. Then Wufei did something unexpected. Zechs stared as he knelt down and hesitantly put his arms around the young count's neck and kissed him. It wasn't a passionate kiss between lovers, but something deeper in it's own way. It spoke of shared pain and mutual distrust but also of forgiveness for something he had little idea about. How had he ever wronged this boy? If anything, Wufei should be begging him for having killed his only true love. Milliardo jerked back but before he could say anything, the boy was gone and he was left holding the rose in his hand. He hadn't noticed that the thorns had been driven deep into his palm as he had involuntarily closed his fist around them during the kiss.

Called to die out someday
A soldier's legend

He was so tired and drained. Maybe if he laid down for a while, he could ignore the pain in his chest, the pain that felt more real then heartbreak should have any right to do. He was confused and sore emotionally. He wanted to sleep. Going to his room, he didn't spare a glance at the main hall where he could hear his sister's happy laughter as she opened presents and divulged in conversations with her guests. He laid on his bed, placing the rose on his chest, not bothering to strip out of his clothes. Tonight, he would dream of Treize again, he thought with a yawn. His eyes were growing so heavy and his breathing was slowing. They would be together again, if only for a short while in his dreams. He would tell Trieze how sorry he was, and maybe he'd be forgiven. For once, maybe he would see Treize somewhere besides the cold emptiness of space, the dark void in his soul that only one man could fill. Closing his eyes, Zechs let his head loll onto the pillow, relaxed. Almost immediately, he saw Treize. He was standing in a puddle of heavenly light, smiling at him, holding his arms open in welcome. Milliardo hesitated at the outside of the light and felt his throat tighten.

"Treize...," he began, but no words would come to him sufficient enough to erase all he had done to hurt his friend. At last he offered lamely, "I'm so dreadfully sorry." But the ginger-haired man shook his head and held out a rose, the exact replica of the one Zechs had placed in the vase by his bedside.

"It's all right, my friend. There is nothing to forgive." Trieze made a beaconing gesture to him and Zechs stepped into the light, wincing at it's brilliance. "I have come to give you the peace that you seek." Treize put his face to the rose in his hand an inhaled the sweet scent before offering it to his lover. "Trust me one last time, my love. Accept my gift." Zechs raised his hand...

The heart is trembling in the wind's song

...he reached for the rose....

Now, I close my eyes

...his eyes drifted shut and he let out a shivering, silent sob as his fingers brushed the blue ribbon tied around the bloom...

I try to forget time

...in the recesses of his mind, time stood still, nothing mattered besides the rose in his lover's hand...

A flame is dyeing the dark sky
Burning up everything

...images of Treize with a cocky grin, of his face contorted with ecstasy as Zechs took his organ into his mouth, of him leaning his cheek on his palm with that dear and thoughtful expression as he watched Zechs practice his fencing...

"I trust you, Trieze. I always have." Milliardo's fingers curled around the stem, gasping at the sharp stab of thorns into his flesh a second time. There was a sensation of falling and suddenly he was in Trieze's arms. His head felt so light and his stomach rolled. "Trieze?" he whimpered, clinging to the ginger-haired man. His lover stroked his back and held him close.

"No more fear, Zechs, only peace. Hold tight to me. I won't let you fall into the darkness. We are together again. I won't lose you now."

"Together...," Zechs echoed dreamily. He was safe, the wounds on his soul healed. He was with Trieze again. But, that wasn't possible. Trieze was dead, lost in the vastness of space...wasn't he? "I'll think more on this in the morning," the young count whispered to himself, hugging his lover closely. "Right now, I want to sleep." Trieze only smiled.

Returning to peace

**************************************************************************************************

The maids found their master's body the next day and quickly called in Miss Relena who then called Sally Po to come as fast as she could. She wasn't surprised when Heero arrived shortly after the call. He seemed to know exactly what was going on. Or maybe he just had her phones tapped. What did surprised her, however, was the fact that Wufei showed up with him. She greeted them somberly as she brought them up to her brother's room.

"He killed himself, I'm sure of it," she stated abruptly as they looked down on the lifeless body that was Milliardo Peacecraft. "Somehow, I did this to him." In a rare act of compassion, Heero put his arm around her shoulders and she leaned into him, too much in shock to cry. "I shouldn't have asked him to leave the party. I should have let him stay. Maybe then he wouldn't have..."

No said anything for a while but Heero eventually lead the distraught young woman from the room, not sparing a glance to see if Wufei followed him. The Chinese pilot waited till they were gone before placing his hand carefully on Zechs' cold one that held a rose with blue ribbons. Compared to the waxy, pale color of his skin, the rose itself still looked fresh and vibrant, the strips of silk glistening like sapphires in the dawn light. "This was for you, Treize," he whispered, a single tear cascading down his cheek as he carefully removed the poison-dipped flower. "I never meant for you to die. I never meant for you two to be separated. Perhaps in this way, I have righted the wrongs I have done to you...and to him." Bending down, he gently kissed the soft, still lips and caressed the moonlight-gold hair before turning away. "May you find your peace in the arms of the one you love. Thus, I have discharged my debts to you both."

Wufei paused at the door to take one last look at the man who had been called the Lightning Baron. Shaking his head with a sigh, he closed the door firmly behind himself. It may have been a trick of the light or it may have been an illusion formed from an overactive imagination, but the Chinese pilot felt sure that just before the door clicked shut, he had seen Zechs smile.


~fin~


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